(Note: the following article is intended for inspirational & entertainment purposes only, any similarity to actual persons/events is purely coincidental)
“Who are you?”
She was beautiful, charming, successful and worked very hard to befriend me. Looking back I might even say she targeted me. I approached this new business relationship in the same way I approach everything in my life, with an open heart and no specific agenda. I was just following the energy of the Universe and it felt divinely guided.
Our friendship moved very quickly and soon we were spending hours each week talking about our business goals and how we could support each other. I opened my home, my office, my rolodex and even my closet to her. It felt kind of like college, loaning her lots of my clothes for an upcoming conference she was attending. (There was a moment of hesitation on my part when she expressed awe in "how well I take care of my clothes", but I trusted that she would be grateful for my generosity and respond in kind.) I was impressed with her resume of business success (she recently sold a high-end women’s retail store in NYC) and happy to help her 'make a splash' in a new industry.
Then one day, quite suddenly, everything changed. Looking back, I can see that I was subtly responding to her constant 'energy jockeying' with my own boundaries and when the moment came that I pushed back and would not agree to her mounting requests... I was no longer of any value to her.
It came as a bit of a shock when I suggested we get together to work out this 'miscommunication’ and she responded with no interest in talking to me. It was then that I recalled a clue (or warning, perhaps) she had dropped early into our masterminding: "I tend to blow up relationships and just move on."
And there it was. Our dance was brief and intense and now it was over.
As far as business lessons go, it was an easy one. No one got sued (although I’ve thought about it, since she still has some of my clothes & the marketing materials she borrowed). As far as personal lessons go, it was a harder one.
And then a close friend sent me an article she read in Interview Magazine about sociopathic behavior. It explained a lot. Could I actually have encountered a real, live sociopath... could she be?
"You've seen these people in action, working their nefarious brand of charm, wit, and charisma. They operate largely unnoticed - until they don't, at which point it's usually too late. We're talking about sociopaths, those creatures who, through manipulation, and deceit, seek to undermine the very fabric of it all because, well, they can." Clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor, Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, has spent a good portion of her working life attempting to crack the mystery of what makes someone a sociopath - she says it has something to do with having a conscience, or not having one. Dr. Stout says one in 25 people in North America is a sociopath, it's more prevalent than schizophrenia or anorexia. Apparently, if you don't have a conscience, then the only thing that's left for you is the game - it's about controlling things. Manipulating people. A sociopath thinks in terms of successfully manipulating someone into doing something that he or she would not have done otherwise.
Dr. Stout says "If you have reached the point where you're certain that this person has no conscience, or is in it to win - rather than to love you, then the very best thing you can do is to get away. That's a very hard lesson to learn."
So, when my mentor of more than 15 years, who is more experienced and successful at looking at energy than anyone I've ever met told me "Sandy, don't forget who you are", I knew it was time to stop looking for the message in this dysfunctional relationship and get away. I realized that was my lesson. To remember Who I Am. To stay connected to my power and my vision and not let anyone, no matter how charming, how successful or how impressive they may seem on the surface push me around.
Another friend shared with me that she's been paying attention to who people are being... Seems vs. Is. Who they seem to be is not always who they is (are) :-) You need to look beyond the mask. The best indication of who someone is... is not what that individual says but how she behaves.
This was clearly an episode of "Entrepreneurs Behaving Badly" and I decided to change the channel.
If you find yourself feeling pushed around or your boundaries being tested by what I've come to know as an "energy bully", here are my tips for identifying & extracting yourself from the situation:
- Ask yourself... "Is this person willing to be vulnerable with you?" Most "energy bullies" aren’t able to allow themselves to be vulnerable in any situation. It's much easier to focus on others than on themselves. As my mentor says; "It takes a helluva lot more courage to show your ass (& be vulnerable) than it does to pretend you've got all the answers."
- Consider... How do they react when they don't get their way? When I refused a request of my energetic bully she reacted strongly, attempting to manipulate me even more. Then she made me wrong. I knew my own comfort level and I knew when I felt pushed too far. Stand your ground and maintain your boundaries, ie: don't forget who you are.
- Notice the 'Seems vs. Is': It's hard when you realize there is a large gulf between who someone seems to be and who they really are. Here's where the decision comes in; to work it out or to move away from the relationship. If the person is a sociopath, then Dr. Stout's advice is "get away". Only you can determine the healthiest thing for you.
I'm very grateful for the lessons I received this past month. I'm much stronger than I realized and I doubt I'll be handing over my power (or my rolodex or my clothes!) to the next charismatic, sociopath that approaches me with the latest, greatest tool devised to rock the personal development world.
I won't tell you it's been easy. It hasn't. I have to remind myself, every, single day "who I am in the world" and trust that my true friends know me and respect me for who I am. Each day it gets a little easier.
You can take my clothes, my contacts and my marketing stuff – it don't mean a thing... you can't take away my Sandylicious power, baby!. (But damn, I DO wish I could get those clothes back!)
